On living the dream

Ah… the American dream… home, family, good job, plenty of “toys” and activities. We all know what it is, and most of us strive hard for it. Is it really dreamy?

A comment from Paul T, UK to my “25,000 days and counting” brings back a memory I had almost forgotten:

But now the mortality of life has only just really dawned me and I can’t afford to waste any more days. Everyone of them is so precious – we must seize each and every one.

Carpe Diem indeed, Paul T. The memory you referred me to was that time of midlife. I think what I became aware of was that I had lived more than half my life… that I was clearly on the “downside”. At that time, I thought “This is a time that I aimed at long ago” All those times I considered “What do I want to be when I grow up?”, I was thinking about NOW. “Here I am, grown up. Is this what I wanted?“

I suspect that most of us, to ourselves, grudgingly answer “Not really”, which triggers some changes in our lives. We do tend to get caught up in some many silly pursuits that veer us away from our youthful dreams. I quickly resorted to evaluating my life’s midpoint in terms of “success”, and found only brief comfort in that. In my youth, “success” was not my goal… “doing something significant, something grand” was more what my thinking had been. My honest evaluation was fairly depressing, as seems to be common. What had I done?

I was, at midlife, a family man… wife, kids, house, cars, taking pride in possessions and a comfortable lifestyle. I found myself naturally comparing my situation with that of my peers, and scored myself a big, dull “OK”, and realized that I had dug myself into something that was feeling like a hole… surrounded by responsibilities that fit together to constrict my choices to that lifestyle we come to think of as normal. Yes, it felt like a trap, but a trap I had slid into willingly, and worked to build around myself. It was not a good feeling, despite feeling “successful”.

I wish I could claim to have made big changes, and reset myself on a path toward “something significant, something grand”. I didn’t, because to do so would have meant dumping responsibilities I had taken on. I’ve considered writing a book on the subject, because I’ve known so many men who suddenly discovered what they had done. I can’t say that I understood it well at midlife, and didn’t until that carefully-crafted lifestyle started falling apart… of it’s own weight. I had concentrated so hard on “building a family lifestyle” that I neglected the people in it… the woman I loved, and the delightful children we had together. As the male provider, I worked on providing things… every thing but love.

Much later, when my family was broken by divorce, I could better evaluate what had happened, and begin to understand how my life could have gone so astray. I had worked hard to achieve something, a good family life, had achieved it, and yet failed at what should have been the heart and soul of it. I had become a good provider, a good head of household, yet a flop as a husband and father. My midlife evaluation and disappointment paled by comparison with that.

I concluded that it must take failure to really force me to learn. I did learn, but only after the great endeavor of my life had fallen in shambles around me. I must tell you that I’ve seen the same thing happen to so very many families, but it was earth-shaking to me. I am one who has never lacked for capabilities and talents, but, in attempting to build a typical family lifestyle, I had failed miserably. I could not avoid the judgment, and it triggered an unending evaluation of “how in the hell could that have happened?”

I understand now, but it took a long time. Much of it lies in accepted male roles and “competition”, and it’s far too complex to more than touch on in a blog. I can give men reading this a very big clue. It’s a fact that divorces are almost always the wife’s decision, and that the husband will fight like a banshee to avoid it, especially if there are children involved. No matter how miserable the situation may be, the man will fight to keep it going… not because he honestly believes he can “fix” it, but because he cannot accept the abject sense of failure. Astonishingly, it’s not so much losing the people in the family that drives him crazy, but losing the family unit itself… the whole package. I, and many other men, concentrated so much on the “package” that I ignored the valuable contents. Instead of 4 unique individuals, I saw a family unit. I worked for the “success” of the family while ignoring, and even stifling, the needs and desires of all 4 humans within it. That may be as “bent out of shape” as human endeavor can become. For your own sake, look for that tendency in your own life. If you find it, resolve to fight it NOW… for the sake of everyone involved.